“Oh, A Play” by Cameron Millar and Laura Clark

Act One

Scene One

The Duke sits alone in his cavernous hall of plenty. Sitting on his chaise-longue, wearing only what can be described as a tiny, tiny toga – made from the finest, finest red silk woven by the fattest of all the Chinese kings with a splendid leopard lining. He eats grapes with what can only be described as a spoon, much like in biblical times before the Romans came and banished spoons and replaced with what can only be described as sporks. He smokes his cigar slowly and deliberately with the skill of the oldest of all fishwife hags. He pauses to contemplate his wife’s sudden and complete death.

The Duke – Oh! My wife is dead! Oh! Dead, I say! Oh! So dead…. that dead doesn’t even begin to describe how dead she is!

(The Butlers enters in true butler style)

The Butler – Your brandy sir.
The Duke – Oh no! That’s not how we do things in this house…

(The Butler sighs)

The Butler – Sorry Sir. Oh your brandy-oh Sir!
The Duke – That’s more like it! Oh!
The Butler – Oh?
The Duke – Oh!
The Butler – Oh….quite.
The Duke - On a similar note, how have the begonias been doing lately old boy?
The Butler - I don’t think I’m the best person to ask sir. Gardener takes care of the begonias.
The Duke – Oh.

(The Butler slides out of the room…slowly)

(The Duke falls off his seat)